Humor That Makes Us Laugh and Cry: Part I

Part I

It has been said that TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION. I always attributed this quote to well-known American author Mark Twain, along with the answer to the question, “why?:” That’s because fiction is limited by plausible explanations, whereas truth is not.
             Many of the truths I have witnessed have not only crossed the border into the realm of strangeness, but sadly are, in no small part, caused by the human foibles attached to mental health problems and alcohol and/or drug abuse. As 2014 begins, I intend to share the humor enclosed in my experiences on the bench, though it will be both sweet and sour. After all, humor cannot exist without roots to truth and sadness below its surface.

Picture this: A courtroom filled with defendants, defense attorneys, prosecuting attorneys, sheriff’s deputies, interpreters, witnesses and families of the defendant[1]. Of course there is a court reporter who “writes” down everything said during the proceedings, my staff, usually news reporters, police officers and myself. I’m moving right along with the list when the district attorney called the next case. A young man in handcuffs and ankle shackles walks in from the lock-up. He is visibly talking to himself. I read that the defendant was facing a drug charge and am also fully aware that street drugs are often used as a poor man’s prescription plan to treat mental health issues. When this occurs, the problems of anti-social behavior grow much worse because now a mentally disabled person is exhibiting deviant behavior with added complications from perhaps a low I.Q. and a drug addiction.

I felt confident in asking this young man if he was taking drugs to combat his mental health issues. In other words, let’s get to the point. Before any attorney spoke, he turned toward me and proudly responded to my question by saying “I don’t have a mental health issue you mother fucker!”

Needless to say, people can be their own worst enemy. After his proclamation, I didn’t do anything further with him and his contemptuous behavior. What’s the point? However, consider a child custody case where the father represented himself in the proceedings. He was requesting that I grant him primary physical custody of his child. Before we could even address the merits of his petition or the case itself, the clerk raised the court by announcing that court was in session and everyone was to please rise. The father didn’t and refused to do so. I do not take these things personally. Of course he is showing no respect for the court as an institution, but, imagine, he will soon stand before the same court asking that I right the wrong of his custody case because he clearly has the best intentions in his heart and mind regarding his children. To ensure his success, he introduces himself on his day in court, in essence, by proclaiming he will not follow the laws and will disregard authority. Despite a sheriff deputy’s suggestion to cooperate, he continued to refuse to stand. This is very telling.

Alcohol Abuse

It is not surprising that in my 22 years on the bench that I have seen my share of alcohol abuse cases.

·         People coming directly to court after being influenced to various degrees by alcohol consumption. (In other words, being drunk or under the influence of alcohol in court.)

·         A woman who appeared drunk for her guilty plea anticipated her immediate sentence of three days in jail. What is a judge to do? She was too drunk to knowingly enter a guilty plea. Should I have revoked her bail and put her in prison for the weekend so that when she was sober the court could properly dispose of the case? Draw your own conclusions.

·         People who cause or attempt to cause a variety of alterations regarding their court-ordered urine analysis. How? 1) Trying to substitute someone else’s urine 2) Giving a sample that revealed no alcohol in the system, but also showed the sample was not the appropriate temperature of approximately 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit. It was in fact room temperature, almost like it was filled by dipping the cup into toilet water and submitting it as a legitimate sample. 3) People who look me in the eye and swear that they have not been drinking and immediately register a 2.2 on the portable breath test. 4) With a blood alcohol content of 4.0 registering on the adult probation’s portable breath test, a man came to court under the influence of alcohol, and except for the odor of alcohol, he didn’t talk or act as if he was.

Sadly, too many people have experienced the tragedy of alcohol abuse. From a D.U.I. arrest to a domestic violence issue, there is no one who can negatively influence the life of a child like his own mother or father. Of the wide spectrum of cases handled in court, the worst tragedies are homicide by vehicle while under the influence. Over the years, I have sentenced about 20 different defendants who found themselves in this situation. It’s sorrowful for many reasons. In some cases the defendant sits and cries hysterically as witness after witness comes forth and tells him or her about the victim who was shockingly taken from their lives in an instant. Spouse, father, mother, daughter, brother, son – the victim was a healthy, loving, and supportive rock of the family, but in a second was removed forever by a drunk driver for no reason at all.

These sentences for D.U.I. homicide by vehicle carry a mandatory minimum sentence of 3 to 6 years in prison. Once again, a judge has no option but to follow the prosecutor’s mandated sentence, when he, the district attorney chooses to invoke the mandatory, even if the judge believes that two wrongs (the tragic death of the victim and now the mandated sentence for the defendant perhaps being too long) don’t make a right.

Next week Part II: More humor that makes us both laugh and cry

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[1] These are important days for family members because they can see their loved one without having to travel 100 miles for a visit in a state prison.